Bill Mann

— A man “brandishing a whip.” Another psychic exile “throwing hot dogs at a door.” I love Leader police calls. Herewith some of my own that, given the above, don’t seem that far-fetched: 

— A man claiming to be Jesus and threatening people in Aramaic was arrested on Water Street and taken to the nervous ward. 

— The owner of a 1975 Buick told police his 8-track tape machine had been ripped out and all his K.C. and the Sunshine Band tapes were stolen. The prime suspect? A man with a mullet. 

— Deputies were summoned by a store owner in downtown PT who said a busker in front of her business had been singing, “I’m Henry the 8th I Am” repeatedly for hours and scaring customers away. 

— Sheriff’s deputies responded to a call from a Port Hadlock resident who claimed someone had been stealing only the advertising circulars from his mailbox. 

— First we receive the news from the state that the ferry’s last run of the day from PT will remain at 8:30 this summer, instead of later on weekends, as they’ve done for years. That won’t make the tourists here happy. (The head of our Ferry Advisory Commission, Tom Thiersch, is lobbying “the electeds” in Olympia). Light reservations before Memorial Day are the claim, even though the ferries here have been full for weeks. 

Then comes even worse news from the state transportation department that two-boat service here, expected to start May 9, won’t start until at least June 6, COVID-related crew staffing being the reason given. Two other routes get their second runs back. I’m a member of the ferry commission, and we were blindsided by these moves. 

— Something else that’s disappeared lately besides two-ferry service: The one-way arrows in supermarket aisles. Now, if we could just figure out a way to un-jam aisles caused by heedless shoppers. 

— Fort Worden, fittingly, has two eateries with Army names: Taps and Reveille. None named Mess Hall yet. As the son of an Army officer, I ate many meals in mess halls. And over the messes was a sign that civilians eating at home or in restaurants would be wise to heed today: Take All You Want. Eat All You Take.

— First, we get the Wooden Boat Festival back in September. Then, in October, comes the return of the Kinetic Sculpture Race (which I call the Aging Hippie Parade). A funnier, somewhat similar version of Kinetic was staged in San Francisco for years. The Artists’ Soapbox Derby featured creative soapboxes rolling downhill, getting points for both speed and artistic merit. One funny entry I remember was a soapbox with a giant fork attached to the front. It was called “A Fork in The Road.” I suspect something similar would work well here. And be a lot less muddy. 

— One big culinary pandemic loss here: The Tin Brick closing. My neighbor Steve Richards and I called it The Meat Cave because of its great Philly cheese steak sandwiches. Those aren’t easy to find. 

— Many people now working at home — and those growing older — are discovering the restorative power of naps. It’s something my wife and I know well and can vouch for — we’ve both been working at home for 30 years. I watched TV for a living and filed my newspaper column from home, and my wife wrote book indexes for several publishers. Naps weren’t optional. They were/are a sacrament. 

— From New Yorker humorist Andy Borowitz comes this headline: “City of Atlanta Votes to Secede From Georgia.” 

— Finally, HBO’S Bill Maher on this year’s depressing (e.g., “Nomadland”) Best Picture Oscar nominees: “I don’t have to leave the theater whistling, but would it kill Hollywood to once in a while make a movie that doesn’t make me want to take a bath with the toaster?” 

(PT humorist Bill Mann has been a columnist for four major metro daily newspapers. He’s ever on the lookout for funny items; Newsmann9@gmail.com.)