Bill Mann

Again with the short items:

— Where should the city spend some of its $3.15 million relief money? One idea might be to move that ridiculous giant silver sculpture nut at Pope Marine Park up to the local hardware store, where it would fit in. Right now it’s basically a glorified playground climbing structure, hardly art.

What’s next — a giant Allen wrench? It calls to mind a classic headline after a mental patient escaped and rendezvoused with his inamorata: “Nut Bolts and Screws.”

— I doubt, though, that any newspaper headline can ever top the New York Post classic: “Head Found in Topless Bar.” The Onion’s “Balsamic Terrorists Bomb Hidden Valley Ranch” is a close second.

— Speaking of hardware, a new ad for PA general store Swain’s features “Cliff Swain’s Famous Quotes.” Among them: “Everything From Soup to Nuts”; “If You Don’t Buy It From Swain’s You Don’t Save Money and We Don’t Make Money”; and “Prices Are Born Here and Raised Elsewhere.” I remember when Swain’s left PT and the Merc replaced it. BTW, thanks to the Mercantile clerk who booted a guy recently who refused to wear a mask. Radio’s funny Stephanie Miller refers to these sad clowns as “Covidiots” and “Maskholes.”

— Still stranded aground: I share your pain, fellow dryland swimmers. The local pool’s been closed for three very long weeks but, hopefully, it will be open again when this appears. Equipment failure. Argh.  Water, water everywhere but...

— This former sports writer isn’t prone to watching sports on TV now, but I do make an exception for hockey’s Stanley Cup playoffs. My beloved Montreal Canadiens are in the semifinals in pro sports’ longest and most grueling event this week. (Can you imagine NFL teams playing three games a week?). Fortunately, I have PT’s John Hayes, a longtime San Jose Sharks fan and possibly this area’s most knowledgeable hockey fan, to watch with. As a young Montreal sportswriter, I once got to live a Canadian dream — covering, and riding in — a Stanley Cup parade. Vas-y, Les Habs!

— Classic, mordant line in the Toronto Star after the city’s Maple Leafs, favored to win, lost in the Stanley Cup playoffs to Montreal: “Invite the Leafs to your funeral so they can let you down one last time.”

— Please join us and donate to our local Humane Society. A fine felicitous facility (how’s THAT for alliteration?) and staff. When our 25-year-old kitty Rascal (possibly PT’S oldest feline) died recently, we found an amazing, charming replacement there soon after. The Dude (I named him) is no longer a stray.

— Further openings: Costco is again giving out samples! More of those prepackaged mini tacos! I also like the ingenious hot dog kiosk (sounds almost Parisian) in the front of Sequim’s impulse-buy emporium. I like their dogs, too. PJ O’Rourke, in his funny book “Holidays From Hell,” has an interesting take. After listing the cringe-worthy and unmentionable body parts that go into many U.S. hot dogs, O’Rourke, writing about Warsaw, says, “The difference in Polish hot dogs and ours is that in Poland, you can actually taste these things.”  Ee-yew. I do miss Costco’s Americanized, discontinued Polish dogs, however.

— You want dark skies like those proposed here? Good idea. Check out Tucson, which has had this regulation for years. Nice place, but ... oh, the oppressive temps. (Arizona’s license plates, the joke goes, say “But It’s a Dry Heat.”) Quite a climatic transition for Susan Hargleroad and John Earl, who moved to Tucson from PT a while back. It was 102 there a few days last week. There is no shortage of people in PT (me among them) who complain when it gets above 70.

— Quite a big story in The New York Times (with photos by a Pulitzer Prize-winner) last week about Protection Island’s sole resident, Marty Bluewater. Alas, this will doubtless call unwelcome attention to the bird refuge.

— The Washington Post runs an annual contest asking readers for clever new definitions of words. One winning entry involved “oysters.” New meaning: “A group of Jewish women.”

(PT humorist Bill Mann is a schnorrer when it comes to gags. Newsmann9@gmail.com)