Bill Mann

Looking for laughs as we await spring? We could certainly use a few. 

I’ve been finding them on Twitter long before Donald of Orange got booted. I never looked at his Twitter feed for the same reason I won’t watch Fox News. Hey, if I want poison, I’ll drink some bleach. 

My favorite line of the month comes from redoubtable Lincoln Project co-founder and author/commentator Rick Wilson: “There are two kinds of people in the world: People who hate Ted Cruz, and Ted Cruz.” 

More funny Tweets:

Middle Age Riot: 

“Republicans have achieved herd immunity from reality.”

“You didn’t hear it from me, but Republicans have tiny stimulus packages.” 

“The United States doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, but it does occasionally elect them.” 

The New Yorker’s Andy Borowitz: “I can get you that Jewish space laser wholesale.” 

Former Letterman writer Gerard Mulligan: “You know the old saying: A lawyer who represents Donald Trump has a fool for a client.”

Atlantic writer Caitlin Flanagan’s great description of the white-nationalist insurrectionists: “An unwashed coalition of deadbeat dads, YouPorn enthusiasts, slow students, and MMA fans.” 

— Comic Mike Dugan: “Take my wives ... please — Brigham Youngman.” 

— Cloris Leachman, who recently passed away, was a hoot. When she came here as the 2009 special guest of the PT FilmFest, she made the traditional trip up to Port Townsend High, where she asked students for a show of hands: “How many of you smoke pot?” 

— My soon-to-retire S.F. pal Michael Krasny, an NPR host, sends along these clever signs from a church reader board: “Frog Parking Only. All Others Will Be Toad”; “What Happens If You Get Scared Half to Death Twice?”; “I Want to Grow My Own Food But I Can’t Find Bacon Seeds”; “My Wife Says I Never Listen to Her. Or Something Like That.”; and: “Is There Ever A Day when Mattresses Are NOT On Sale?” 

— Time on my hands. How’s THIS for a pandemic hobby: Do those new DM Disposal garbage trucks and roll-out, leveraged trash cans operate more efficiently? Glad you asked. I actually timed them recently — twice. And it took our garbage truck a whole 13 seconds to stop, pick up the can, and head off. My attention span isn’t nearly that long. 

— Hope-Springs-Eternal Dept: I got my first vaccine dose and the Mountain View pool looks like it may finally re-open. Thanks to all who made it happen. Brighter days beckon. 

— Organ Recitals: Stephen Colbert’s uberfunny recurring segment on his old Comedy Central show was called “Cheating Death,” and the intro showed Colbert playing chess with the Grim Reaper. Colbert would point off to the side, and when Death, distracted, would look away, Colbert would quickly move one of his pieces. I do wish some network would rerun that great show. 

“Doctor” (of Fine Arts) Colbert’s pitches for “Prescott Pharmaceuticals” included these lines: 

“The tingling tells you it’s working, the class action lawsuit tells you it’s Prescott.”

“Good for what ails you. And in some cases, actually what ails you.”

“Remember, if it’s childproof, it’s not Prescott!”

“The industry leader in recall efficiency.”

“The last word in medicine — because Prescott is often, literally, our patients’ last word.”

“You’re not just a patient, you are patient zero.” 

I’ve gotten so much response from Leader’s readers who said these cracked them up, so, by popular demand, here are more side effects from Prescott drugs: 

Autonomous nipple syndrome; Genital migration; Vein seizures; Lactose addiction; X-ray hearing; Urethral nodding; Honus Wagner disease; A rare, irreversible condition known as carcassing; tracheal meerkat colonies; Rocky Mountain oysterism; Thoracic geysers; inability to breathe on weekends; capillary yogurt; abdominal salad-shooters; bearded thalamus; rectal dyslexia; Spontaneous pregnancy.

“Doctor” Colbert adds: “I can’t write prescriptions, but I can interpretively dance to them.”

(Bring on the funny: Newsmann9@gmail.com)