Bill Mann

Here’s our annual Clark Griswold Award. Ho ho ho!

Griswold, you may recall, was the feckless suburbanite Chevy Chase played in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” Clark put so many Christmas lights on his roof that when he finally managed to turn them all on, the flash of light was so great passing commercial airline pilots were temporarily blinded.

We have plenty of impressive light displays around PT every year. I’ve been driving around checking them out, as usual. Beats going down to Safeway to watch the trucks unload!

And once again this year, the Grand Griswold Award goes to … Michael Ridgway’s flashing-lights “Christmas casino” on McNeill Street. As usual, he’s got a radio station playing eclectic tunes like Elvis’ “Blue Christmas,” “YMCA” (?) and “Happy Hanukkah” (??) synced to the flashing lites. There’s a new twist this year: Instead of handing out candy canes, Ridgway has a hot-chocolate stand across the street.

Close, but no cigar lighting: The Seahawks’ 12th-man roof/yard extravaganza on Thomas St. It’s almost playoff time! The Blue Gull Inn uptown has another nice display, as does a house on 32nd east of Sherman near what one neighborhood wag calls the “Lake District,” because it’s right down the block from what is almost certainly PT’s most imposing pothole. It’s full of water, so bring SCUBA gear.

—Christmas to me is all about kids, and no one is more involved in making them happy this time of year than our local Kiwanis Club.

Not only do the local Kiwanians team up with the Marine Corps to collect Toys for Tots presents, but the PT chapter also runs the colorful Kiwanis Choo Choo shuttling kids around town. They also help the Christmas for Children charity gather toys for needy kids.

PT Kiwanian Melanie Bozak is the service club’s prestigious District Governor, and she’s constantly travelling around the largest of all Kiwanis districts — her purview runs from Alaska to the California border. She’s the first PT DG.

—It’s Festivus! For the rest of us. The “Seinfeld” creation for shopping-averse non-observers has its share of followers here. On Next Door, someone even recently asked how to build a Festivus pole.

This falls under the Festivus sacrament of “Feats of Strength” as ordained by the apoplectic Frank Costanza (Jerry Stiller). Plus, there’s also the “Airing of Grievances.”

(The tradition of Festivus begins with the grievances. “I got a lot of problems with you people,” Frank sputters at dinner. “And now you’re gonna hear about it!”)

Frank explains further: “At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!”

It’s interesting that Festivus has stuck around for over 20 years as a funny rejection of the overcommercialization of Christmas. It’ll be here for years to come. And as the dyspeptic Frank Costanza would say: “You got a problem with that?”

—Speaking of suboptimal holiday spirit, every time I hear “Mele Kalikimaka” on the radio, I am reminded that: 1) There’s a Christmas-tree shortage this year, as you’ve probably heard; and 2) There are probably even more punches being thrown this year down on the docks in Honolulu than usual. Explanation: There’s always a Christmas-tree shortage out in remote Hawaii, as I learned as a kid growing up on an Army base right on the side of Diamond Head. Our family even had to go treeless one Christmas. This year it’s even worse.

But as they say there: Hey, bruddah: Cool head, main t’ing. Mahalo.

—This year’s funniest new Christmas twist: The hipster nativity scene, spotted ... in a Montreal church! Joseph and Mary taking selfies, hipsters on Segways holding Amazon boxes, and a guy with ear buds. Only thing missing: Avocado toast.

—My Christmas card to Trump supporters this year? “Treason’s Greetings.”

My card to most of you in PT? “Happy Non-Sectarian Season’s Greetings.”

—My annual clean Christmas joke: Q. Why was Santa missing a reindeer this year? A. Comet had to stay home and clean the sink. (Rim shot!).

—The gift that keeps on giving: Jean Shepard’s peerless film, “A Christmas Story,” airing today nonstop on TBS and TNT. Delightful, whimsical, clever. I watch it every year, and it’s always a treat. Don’t shoot your eye out!

—Finally, a sign I saw while growing up on Army bases:

“Merry Christmas and Happy New Year — To Authorized Personnel Only.”

(PT humorist Bill Mann is neither grinch nor Griswold. Newsmann9@gmail.com)