Cop calls that aren’t so far-fetched? | Mann Overboard

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More Apocryphal Local Police Calls: : 

* A naked man carrying a longboard was spotted at Kah Tai Lagoon shouting, “Surf’s Up!” 

* Police responded to a call about a man playing a bassoon in a supermarket restroom. He was escorted to the nervous ward. 

* PT officers were called downtown, where a man was trying to direct traffic with a bullwhip. He said he was “replacing” the missing street light at Water and Taylor. 

* Police were summoned to a parking lot where a woman was trying to teach her cat to drive. She told officers the cat’s name was Toonces. 

* Deputies were called to a home in Port Hadlock at 3 a.m. following a noise complaint about a man who was playing a kazoo through a loudspeaker. He was also escorted to the nervous ward.

— Let’s Talk “Car Talk” (Reading Is Pundamental):  I really miss NPR’s Click and Clack, hosts of the goofy Saturday-morning show ostensibly about car repair. What I miss as much as the laughing Magliozzi brothers are their punderful closing staff credits. Their lawyers were, of course, Dewey, Cheatham and Howe. A few other memorable ones: Cliche Monitor: Saul Wellingood; Russian Chauffeur: Pikup Andropov; Director of Purchasing: Lois Bidder; Ornithology Intern: Luke A. Boyd; Bob Dylan Specialist: I. Shelby Released; Cabinet Maker: L. Ron Cupboard; Ice Rink Manager: Sam Boney; Car Talk Opera Expert: Barbara Seville; Dental Hygienist: Ginger Vitus; Downsizing Consultant: Candace Guy; Director of Deep Sea Research: Mariana Trench; Director of Staff Pay Increases: Xavier Breath. And many more. I’ll print some of your faves. 

— Small-town news dept. Thanks to the city for putting in disabled parking spaces at the North Beach parking lot.

— As if I needed another reminder of my advanced years: MTV turned 40 last week. One wit said of the rock-video channel’s name, “The first two syllables say it all.” And comic Steven Pearl jokes in a geezer voice: “Why, when I was a boy we didn’t have MTV. We had to take DRUGS and go to CONCERTS, dammit!”

— I’ve covered radio for decades, but this was a new one to me: Vancouver, BC’s  NEWS1130, one of my car-radio presets, now gives its top-of-the-hour station ID’s not as a Vancouver station, but as one located on four named tribes’ land. This obviously is because of the recent awful discoveries of scores of residential-school graves in that province. 

— Home Tweet Home: LA Times columnist David Lazarus tweets: “Name one immigrant who has done more harm to America than Rupert Murdoch.” I can’t think of any. His Fox News is a nonstop poison dispenser. I’ve wondered when more people would make the same suggestion I’ve made in my TV columns for years — to get local governments to pull Fox from their cities’ cable lineups. It just might happen.

— Andrea Junker on Twitter: “Wearing a mask and getting vaccinated isn’t a political statement. It’s an IQ test.” 

— Attention fellow Prius huggers: The bad guys may well be coming. Maybe even the same jerks who victimized four vans for the disabled in Seattle last week by cutting out their catalytic converters. Since Priuses are the most prized targets by these (presumed) tweakers, at some point they’ll find out that this town has more Priuses per capita than any city in the state. I know that most garages in PT aren’t used for cars — ours being a rare exception — but you better clear indoor garage space for your intact Prius. 

— Best viewing bet this month: Take it from this long-time TV critic: Hulu’s “McCartney 3,2,1” is a superb, in-depth look at the Fab Four’s music led by Paul. Variety calls it “possibly the best Beatles doc ever,” and I agree. 

— The New Yorker’s  Andy Borowitz has this headline: “GOP to Punish Reps. Cheney and Kinzinger By Forcing Them to Spend an Hour With Ted Cruz.” This reminds me of former GOP strategist Rick Wilson’s classic line: “There are two kinds of people in the world: People who hate Ted Cruz … and Ted Cruz.” 

(PT humorist Bill Mann is always looking for funny material — and funny people. Contact him at newsmann9@gmail.com.)