We traversed a war zone last week. Both coming and going. 

Generalissimo Bonespurs declared Portland as a “combat zone” and “war-ravaged” recently, but we had to transit this dangerous, Presidentially designated war zone to see our grandkids in Eugene, south of Portland. We miraculously made it out without taking any hostile fire. Well, we did hear a backfire from a delivery truck once on I-5, but encountered no incoming except for Franz Bread trucks entering the wartorn city. 

We were a bit concerned that we might get pulled over and our ID checked because both our kids graduated from left-leaning Reed College in Portland, which, if Antifa actually did exist, might well be its headquarters. 

We’re just glad we didn’t encounter any fire downrange. Or military convoys. Or incoming fire from the alleged armed rebellion downtown.

Having grown up on Army bases, I was used to seeing and hearing gunfire and artillery blasts on the firing ranges, but Portland was, well, oddly quiet for a battle zone. I actually hear more gunfire in Port Townsend coming from the firing range west of PT on the regular weekend gatherings of our local Second Amendment troop.

Speaking of gun nuts, when we checked into our Hilton hotel in Eugene I spotted a full conference room. I asked the desk clerk what this meeting was, and he shook his head and said, “It’s a Concealed Carry workshop.” I am not making this up. 

“Really?” I asked. He shook his head in resignation.

But at least, I sighed, we weren’t in a war zone in Eugene. Not yet, anyway. Just hidden-gun-toting people preparing for it. 

•I did see some pirates in Eugene, however. The ones from the British shores. I saw a fine Eugene Opera production of Gilbert and Sullivan’s classic comic opera, “The Pirates of Penzance,” which is also being staged by Seattle Opera starting this weekend, with different players.

I came to G&S way too late, but I did get to “carry a spear” — sing in the chorus — of a “Pirates” production down in the San Francisco Bay Area. And even though it’s now been several days since I saw the Eugene production, I still can’t get those great, infectious songs out of my head. 

I asked long-time national CBS and local KIRO Radio personality Dave Ross, the talented star of many Gilbert and Sullivan productions in Seattle, why he wasn’t in the current Seattle Opera “Pirates” version  this week, and he said, “They didn’t reach out to me.” What an absurd oversight and waste of great local talent. (Seattle’s long-running G&S company with Ross folded its tent a couple of years ago, sadly). 

Recently restated Jimmy Kimmel’s funny line about The Orange One’s subpar poll numbers: “At this point, finding a toenail in your salad has a seven-point lead over Donald Trump.” Both cringeworthy, spiky-haired Food Network star Guy Fieri, who was recently  featured on “60 Minutes” for having two truckloads of tequila stolen from him, reminds me of a classic line: “Never let your daughter date a guy whose hair can cause severe tire damage.” 

And I once ate at Fieri’s original restaurant, in Santa Rosa, Ca., called Johnny Garlic’s, before he became way too famous. A Mini-Review of Fieri’s home base: meh. 

While we’re on the subject of eateries, funny poet Ogden Nash once printed up cards of this minipoem to leave at restaurant tables where the service was slow: 

“By and By…God caught his eye.” 

PT humorist and third-rate second tenor Bill Mann looked decidedly non-piratical on stage…. even with a sword. He’s at Newsmann9@gmail.comAarrgh!